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It´s always darkest before the dawn

By February 7, 2016No Comments

On Friday morning the European Championship in Ski mountaineering begun. The conditions were perfect for the race, sun and powder. After a good start for me in the World cup and with a good shape I was eager to give it all. With good feelings in the first uphill I felt confident. In the end of the first downhill a racer skied on the back of my skies, and with that light touch I lost control and tumbled out in the deep powder snow. Frustrated I started to crawl up. I felt something strange in my right knee but decided to try to get to the transition point. I couldn’t put any weight on my right leg so it was difficult to skejt. There I started to understand that something was not right.

I continued anyway, but in those few minutes I heard so many voices in me telling me I shouldn’t.

So I stopped and went immediately to the race doctor.

I got my hopes up when my knee did not swell so much and the pain was not unbearable (but it so difficult to know when the pain is too much, no? It can always be worse?!). Immediately I got a time for an MRI and another examination at a specialist in Martingy. He thought the cruciate ligaments were ok as he controlled different movements, but an MRI would show much more. I started to feel confident and relief when 2 different doctors told me it was almost sure it could not be the cruciate ligaments. A meniscus operation is small so that would be easy to recover from.

When the MRI was over and we looked at the pictures I almost could´nt understand what they told me. The cruciate ligament was broken.

What?

All my hope disappeared. I felt like the floor disappeared under me. What does this mean? How long will it take? Shall I make an operation or not? Will I ever get back to running and skiing confident? So many questions, not any answer.

Being a professional athlete demands that we give everything. Training racing recovering, this is what matters for us. We need to live in this little bubble to be able to do our best everyday all year around. So when something disturbs this for sure it´s like heaven falls down. It was dark and I cried my heart out.

I was frustrated, scared, disappointed, heartbroken, sad and all at the same time my brain worked frantically with different options and scenarios.

I think that it is important to feel nothing but sadness. For a while. But it is even more important to break out from the darkness and to search that tiny little light. It might not be what we planned but we need to adapt to the situation. If we can´t aloud ourselves to be sad and disappointed it is like nothing matters. Even though in the whole wide world it means nothing. But right here and now, for me it was everything that matter.

I will aloud myself to feel sad for a little more time until I feel it´s time to just look forward. I feel it´s coming soon, the brighter time.

As soon as the inflammation has settled I´ll make a new MRI and after that we´ll take a decision.

And reading all your comments and messages warms my heart and make me cry even more. So much love and support from all of you means so much.

Thank you from all my heart.

I will not give up. I will get back.

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Emelie

Mountain athlete, trail runner and ski mountaineer. Writer,mum and Co- founder of moonvalley.me. Living on a small farm in the Norwegian fjordlands!