I´m laying down on the floor pressing down my right knee and trying tenaciously to feel Vastus medialis and the rest of the quadriceps. Frustrated I realise I can´t put tension on it like this. I sit up and try another exercise. Yes! I can feel the vastus. The happiness I felt when I did this was enormous. It was equal to finish a great interval session, if not bigger. This small achievement that 1 week ago would have been nothing. I would have laughed if I would have imagined myself unable to feel my leg muscles.
I had a few days when everything was dark. And it was hard. And it was painful, and it was all at the same time. Not all the time obviously, I got happy hanging with friends talking, laughing, but the general state was not so good. I listened to a song that made me sad, because I wanted to feel nothing else than pure sadness. But in the end of that song I felt the urge of listening to something happy. So I changed. And my mood to. Sad-happy- sad-happy. I needed both.
These days I´m doing rehab to prepare for the operation next week. And even if it´s not where I want to be. I appreciate so much this moment. And I don´t know if I understand myself here. I am so happy even though nothing is what I want. But right here and now, all I want to do is to get back out there. Play in the mountains. Run the fastest I can. I want to ski uphill and downhill, I want to feel my heart beat fast, the pain in the muscles. I want to be at a race hearing people scream “ Dai dai, venga, Allez, go go hejja hejja Emelie!!” I want it to so badly.
I know the only way to get back is to do this full hearted. To live and enjoy the adventure of today wether it is to find and work on different muscles, to take a shower ( yes, yesterday it was my project and it was great.) or to learn about physiology, plan my garden, the rehab, hang with friends.
I go by step by step. The most obviously bright shining door closed right in front of me, but to see what is in this one is pretty damn exciting! What will I do on this travel? I have so many ideas and it makes me happy! I will keep you updated 😉
And once again: thank you all for your encouraging messages. It means so much.